Archive for the Sport Category

Ashley Cole in “total prick” shocker.

Posted in Music, Sport, The Written Word with tags , , , on February 13, 2008 by bootlegmarkchapman

The latest word is that Cheryl Cole has moved out of her marital home after the latest rumours about her “philandering” (good word that) husband Ashley Cole’s alleged extra-marital exploits (no, not THOSE ones). Now, call me Mr. Cynical, but I can’t say I’m greatly surprised that this relationship has jumped the shark. Indeed, the only shock is that it has been quite so long in coming. Ever since they walked down the aisle theirs has been the very model of a marriage of convenience. However (and you’ll need to stay with me on this one), I think it would be a real shame if the couple do eventually divorce.

“Christ alive Paul, why on earth do you think that?” Well, abstract entity constructed for rhetorical purposes, I’ll tell you why I think that. It’s a little rule I call the “Spice Girls Solo Career Principle”. A good number of my less musically liberal friends were delighted when the aforementioned pop quintet-then-quartet decided to jump ship back at the earlier end of the decade. A dangerous band of musical torturers had seemingly breathed its last (and if you listen back to the hits they had as a band, they were utterly fucking dire in almost every case, with the possible exception of “Say You’ll Be There”). They were gone. Thank fuck for that, eh? Well, no. Why not? Because they all plumped for solo careers. Now, a solo artist bangs out the same number of singles at the same rate as a band. So, instead of waiting three months for an unlistenable musical abortion, we were faced with the unedifying prospect of five times as many shitefests stacking up. Given that the Sugababes were even then showing how girl groups could still turn out good singles, it was an unwelcome festival of dross.

This “Gremlins”-style multiplication of suffering has not been limited to the Spice Girls, of course. In recent times, the same punishment has been visited upon our ears by the erstwhile members of Blue. With Simon Webbe in the “Emma Bunton” role turning out some quite listenable stuff, the other three rained liquid pop misery into our unwilling faces with greater regularity than they did when they were safely contained in a damage-limiting foursome (Wow. Ashley Cole and “damage-limiting foursome” in the same article. That’s one that won’t be troubling Google.). With Ali Campbell leaving UB40, and both parties threatening to continue recording, it’s not good news for the deafness-impaired among us.

“What in the name of all that is good and holy does this have to do with Cheryl and Ashley, you deranged fuck?” Well, I’m just getting to that. Here we go! Firstly, Cheryl Cole is a quite appalling human being with only her involvement in some of the most enjoyable moments of pop genius of the past 20 years to mitigate against just putting her against a wall and shooting her. Even leaving aside the oft-mentioned spot of racially-motivated violence that could have derailed her career before it began, she has a rather nasty habit of being a poster-girl for body fascism. Charlotte Church and Lily Allen have been targets for her acid tongue in the past, while anyone who has happened to walk within radar range of the bigoted cock-wit has at one time or another been the victim of a needlessly shrill “cussing”. While I have a platform to stick up for some people I don’t know, I’d just like to point out that Cheryl is so far subordinate to Nadine Coyle in terms of both talent and looks that she needs a telescope to see her. Not only metaphorically, neither.

As for Ashley, his own past utterings regarding his move to his spiritual footballing home show a lack of self-awareness that would be funny, if it weren’t … no, wait, it’s hilarious. He’s a cast-iron, copper-bottomed, cork-filled, ocean-going cretin. He and Cheryl really deserve one another, and it would be a shame for the world in general if their poison were to dissipate and infect two other people who, at the present time, may actually be salvageable human beings. For the sake of karmic balance, let’s all say a prayer that Ashley learns to walk the line, and that Cheryl gives him one last chance.

You know, I like to think I’m a lot like Jesus. I think this post proves it.